Thursday, February 14, 2002

that last post didn't work so well.

i think the problem is i feel like i can't talk about what's going on in my head with this one. even if i'm talking to someone who has no connection at all with the party in question, i don't feel like i can tell the whole story.

i used to be able to keep this place as my perfectly safe and private personal inner reflections space. but it isn't really private without a password on it now is it. i don't think blogspot will let me do that, so that's out of the question. there's a definate fear of getting caught.

i don't know i don't know i don't know.

i don't know what to do.

i'm fucked.

and i'm going to cringe at myself when i reread this again in a few months time. it all feels so teenage angsty. i guess that's kind of nice in itself though, in that i can still have stupid fucked up feelings even though i'm losing my hair and going grey.

i just sit here each day rolling cigarettes, browsing the web, and pretty much doing nothing else. i think i've even stopped eating properly. ok i never ate properly, that doesn't count.

i want a story to tell. where's my god damn stories gone to eh? where's my latest stupid little tale of me being heartlessly cruel so some vulnerable little strumpet? well ok, i have one of those, but i'm so bored by it, i can't even be bothered telling it.

oh, i got on the dole today! yippy! i'm officially a useless member of society!

uhm.

would it help if i mentioned that i've been having rather boring sex lately?

i feel cruel talking about that though. i think that's something i should just let go of.

i'm a bad person.

at least i'm learning will power. hah! so there IS an upside!
it's almost bad poetry time.

thankfully, i'm not in the mood for it, even if i do have excellent material.

problem is, i can't even talk about the material. it's so super-ultra-really-can't-say-secret that i can only tell random people on the street, my flatmates, people i met for the first time last night and people who know the person in question really well, but i can't write it down.

ok, so lets put it this way, i've become rather fond of someone who i've probably been rather fond of for quite a few years, but i've only recently consciously realised that fondness exists. which is rather frustrating.

see, previously i didn't have to deal with it, being that i didn't know about it, but now that i do know about it, it's like some nasty red flashing "5 days overdue. do you want me to remind you again in 15 minutes?" top of my to-do list item that's had the "no, fuck off" button removed.

i've thought about it and thought about it, and i really can't come up with a better solution than to leave the bloody country.

solution to what you might ask? can't you just go ahead and take this someone, fuck them silly for a few months, then get tired of them and move on?

well, no, i can't. see, firstly, i imagine the sex would be quite bad, secondly, she's taken, thirdly, i'd rather not get tired of her, and fourthly, i'm pretty sure she'd turn me down anyway.

ok, so you say the sex would be bad. what's the point then?

love you fool! love!

oh please, what's with the shmultzy love stuff? that's not like you.

well, yes it is.

ok, you're right, it is. was just trying to throw you off.

thanks.

don't mention it.

ok, but i still don't know what the fuck i should do?

well, how about leaving the country?

shit, this is useless, you're just going to come up with all the same ideas i've already had.

yea well, what did you expect you dumb prick - you're talking to yourself for fuck's sake.

ok, i'm walking away from this conversation. you're obviously not going to be reasonable.

yea well fuck you too. you're pathetic, you know that?

yea.. i do..