Tuesday, April 03, 2001

i don't know who that girl was. she might have been involved with a bottle.

am i lucky that i'm a binge drinker, and not an alcoholic? or is it better to be consistant.

i've arranged to meet a young chinese girl in town, every week at 2pm on thursdays. we don't get on that well, we have trouble communicating, her english is poor, my chinese is lost in the translation.

i think we meet because she is lonely. it's certainly because i have no reason to not meet her.

i didn't go for two weeks. she called. the first time i made an excuse, and apologised. the second time i just ignored the phone as it rang. this time i'm going.

i think i gather some sort of masochistic satisfaction out of dwelling in the empathy for her loneliness.
my brain might fall off.

a perculiar mood.

i'm wondering what on earth i'm doing here. and i don't really have a reason to wonder. there's not much point behind anything at the moment. there's just a continuous forward and forward and perhaps it's not forward at all. i might be doing everything right, even though everyone secretly or openly thinks i'm doing it all wrong. or they might be right, and this is all a mistake. i'm doing things because i have to. or more exactly, i'm not doing things, because it's better if i don't. it's like the balance nob on my amplifier, sometimes it mysteriously gets turned too far off the centre, and it might be a few days before i notice, and turn it back to place. that didn't make sense, but it wasn't meant to, i think. although it's hard to say on that one, nothing much is making sense this morning. it's all like a dull, incessant, but vaguely comforting drone in my ears. but maybe that is just the computer's fan, and i've been hearing that for years now. yes, it is one of those noises that you don't realise is there, until it isn't. the power could be cut, and i'd be shocked by the silence that stormed in to replace the silence. i could light a candle, then stare intently at it, waiting for it to hum. and maybe it would hum.