Thursday, July 04, 2002

covered in bite marks, cuts, bruises, and facial hair modelled on one of george michael's 80's looks, that i don't completely recall being done to me.

to quote beckett, "I must be happy, he said, it is less pleasant than I should have thought."

and to quote, "dolĀ·drums 1. a. A period of stagnation or slump."

i'm watching the ripples in a puddle. they start nowhere in particular, move a little way, then end fairly insignificantly, replaced by similarly unimportant ripples who play out the same pointless game.

almost thinking i should go away for a while. just a little while.

nah. lost interest in that idea already. i really don't want to go anywhere alone.

had a dream about a friend being brutally injured in a most horrible way the other morning. woke up and had the uncontrollable need to know that she was okay. saw her come into the house, then leave soon after. didn't call her into my room to soothe my fears, because i realised it would be selfish. when someone doesn't care that you care, letting them know that you do seems to just burden them with something unnecessary.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

good lord. that last post was from february. has it really been that long? guess so ...

i'm cringing at the thought of writing about where my life is at, but i guess i've got to write about it anyway. put it into words so that i can see it more clearly for myself, or something like that.

ok, where are we? well, i've moved twice since february, upset a few people, made a complete cock of myself several times and lost most of my dignity and self respect. the upside is i'm now living with the object of my desire. of course, she's never here, because she's always off doing something with one of her shithead boyfriends. but, well, yea.

uhm, what else is there to tell .. hmm .. i really do wish i could just flick a switch, and get over this whole 'obsession'. then at least there'd be space in my brain for actual interesting developments.

oh, yea, i might actually start pretending to have a real job soon. good money, good hours, good project, good people to work with, etc etc. maybe that'll be enough to sort me out, get my head pointed in the right direction, all that. will do wonders for my dignity too, i hope.

ok, i'm bored of listening to myself now.

Thursday, February 14, 2002

that last post didn't work so well.

i think the problem is i feel like i can't talk about what's going on in my head with this one. even if i'm talking to someone who has no connection at all with the party in question, i don't feel like i can tell the whole story.

i used to be able to keep this place as my perfectly safe and private personal inner reflections space. but it isn't really private without a password on it now is it. i don't think blogspot will let me do that, so that's out of the question. there's a definate fear of getting caught.

i don't know i don't know i don't know.

i don't know what to do.

i'm fucked.

and i'm going to cringe at myself when i reread this again in a few months time. it all feels so teenage angsty. i guess that's kind of nice in itself though, in that i can still have stupid fucked up feelings even though i'm losing my hair and going grey.

i just sit here each day rolling cigarettes, browsing the web, and pretty much doing nothing else. i think i've even stopped eating properly. ok i never ate properly, that doesn't count.

i want a story to tell. where's my god damn stories gone to eh? where's my latest stupid little tale of me being heartlessly cruel so some vulnerable little strumpet? well ok, i have one of those, but i'm so bored by it, i can't even be bothered telling it.

oh, i got on the dole today! yippy! i'm officially a useless member of society!


would it help if i mentioned that i've been having rather boring sex lately?

i feel cruel talking about that though. i think that's something i should just let go of.

i'm a bad person.

at least i'm learning will power. hah! so there IS an upside!
it's almost bad poetry time.

thankfully, i'm not in the mood for it, even if i do have excellent material.

problem is, i can't even talk about the material. it's so super-ultra-really-can't-say-secret that i can only tell random people on the street, my flatmates, people i met for the first time last night and people who know the person in question really well, but i can't write it down.

ok, so lets put it this way, i've become rather fond of someone who i've probably been rather fond of for quite a few years, but i've only recently consciously realised that fondness exists. which is rather frustrating.

see, previously i didn't have to deal with it, being that i didn't know about it, but now that i do know about it, it's like some nasty red flashing "5 days overdue. do you want me to remind you again in 15 minutes?" top of my to-do list item that's had the "no, fuck off" button removed.

i've thought about it and thought about it, and i really can't come up with a better solution than to leave the bloody country.

solution to what you might ask? can't you just go ahead and take this someone, fuck them silly for a few months, then get tired of them and move on?

well, no, i can't. see, firstly, i imagine the sex would be quite bad, secondly, she's taken, thirdly, i'd rather not get tired of her, and fourthly, i'm pretty sure she'd turn me down anyway.

ok, so you say the sex would be bad. what's the point then?

love you fool! love!

oh please, what's with the shmultzy love stuff? that's not like you.

well, yes it is.

ok, you're right, it is. was just trying to throw you off.


don't mention it.

ok, but i still don't know what the fuck i should do?

well, how about leaving the country?

shit, this is useless, you're just going to come up with all the same ideas i've already had.

yea well, what did you expect you dumb prick - you're talking to yourself for fuck's sake.

ok, i'm walking away from this conversation. you're obviously not going to be reasonable.

yea well fuck you too. you're pathetic, you know that?

yea.. i do..

Saturday, September 29, 2001

long time, no see.

long time, no good solid alcoholic binge either. but we can't have everything just the way we want now, can we.

sometimes life moves too slowly, sometimes it moves too fast, sometimes i'm just swimming about all day in my own urine.

once upon a time, when i was very young, i was convinced i was a genius. i thought i could understand everything, and do anything i wanted, as long as i put a few hours to it. you know what? i'm still that kid, i still think that. my ego's so big, if you tried to fuck it, you'd have to fold back the layers to find the vagina.

Sunday, May 20, 2001

oot de toot

well.. what a .. something .. of a weekend .. long, perhaps .. actually not that long .. the usual length ..

i don't even know if i want, or can be bothered, to talk about it.. it just hit me like a warm cuddly slap whilst i was sitting watching a movie on sky a few moments ago, that all these ideas and emotions scrolling on through my head should fit nicely in written form.. but as usual, the thoughts weren't mine to hold. they belonged far more to the couch i was sitting on, and having left it, they chose the wiser way, and stayed right put.

well ok then, i'll try doing a summary, a quick factual step-through of events. working backwards, because that's how i'll remember it.

claudia left not too long ago. we sat and watched movies, but that was after we went for a shits and giggles walk around the cliffy beachy bit down from the house. got wet, made it to safety, bought some hot chips and a coke, walked home. and then watched the video that we got out (after the beach walk, i'm really not doing this reverse chronology well am i). and after the video, we watched whatever was on sky. we sat on the same couch, but we didn't kiss.

on saturday i played paintball in the afternoon with a bunch of complete strangers. but the girl that coaxed me (well, i didn't require much coaxing) into it, i'd met once before. it was fun, and i gave her a lift home after, and we chatted and chuckled. she had absolutely wonderful breasts, but i didn't touch them.

before the paintball, i was sitting at darlene's flat with barnie and an odd little stoner, spinning records into the morning. sadly a lovely young thing by the name of sheradin (i really can't spell that) had already left. uhm.. i've lost track of my backward course.. it's difficult this way.. ok.. so previous to 's' leaving there was a party, and a scattering of people were there, who i grew to know fairly well, or at least slightly better, through the course of the evening. it was pleasant. most.

and that, there, was the story, backwards, without the fleshy details that usually make stories interesting. which would help to explain why you didn't really gain much satisfaction from reading it. but, what the hell are you doing reading this anyway? who invited you huh? oh, me? well.. ask me for the gory details, and i'll fill you in then..

right.. my typing fingers seem awfully slow tonight, so i'll leave it at that..

Tuesday, May 08, 2001

damn.. weird..

just had a dream, not a movie one this time.. i was hanging with darls, and otis was there. and he was a writer. he was about to have a reading at his place, and was expecting people to turn up.

when someone knocked on the door, i went to open it, and saw there was a whole heap of people outside. i asked "how many of you are there?" but didn't get an answer, they just started to all come in. i yelled to otis "is this ok?", and he yelled back "yea yea, s'cool".

then this reading went on for a while, and all the people there were strange goth looking people. it started to turn into a question and answer session. and the questions started to vear off topic and get personal. i was feeling somewhat uncomfortable with the situation, feeling that it was somehow maybe getting out of hand. but people ended up slowly leaving one by one before long, so i had nothing to worry about.

then somehow it melded into a dream about how neil gaiman had recently died, and we were all morning him. i lose track of the details about then.

but whilst i was lying half awake, i had the idea for a story slither it's way into my head. a story about a writer who can never find endings for his stories (huh, now who would that be). so one day he comes across a bookshop, one that sells only story endings, and each one a once off. so he goes in there, and shops around, talks to the shopkeeper about the endings, and finds that there's a whole range, where you can get best seller endings, tear jerker endings, thought provoking endings, mysterious endings, clever endings, all sorts.

problem is, i didn't think up an ending to the story.

Tuesday, April 03, 2001

i don't know who that girl was. she might have been involved with a bottle.

am i lucky that i'm a binge drinker, and not an alcoholic? or is it better to be consistant.

i've arranged to meet a young chinese girl in town, every week at 2pm on thursdays. we don't get on that well, we have trouble communicating, her english is poor, my chinese is lost in the translation.

i think we meet because she is lonely. it's certainly because i have no reason to not meet her.

i didn't go for two weeks. she called. the first time i made an excuse, and apologised. the second time i just ignored the phone as it rang. this time i'm going.

i think i gather some sort of masochistic satisfaction out of dwelling in the empathy for her loneliness.
my brain might fall off.

a perculiar mood.

i'm wondering what on earth i'm doing here. and i don't really have a reason to wonder. there's not much point behind anything at the moment. there's just a continuous forward and forward and perhaps it's not forward at all. i might be doing everything right, even though everyone secretly or openly thinks i'm doing it all wrong. or they might be right, and this is all a mistake. i'm doing things because i have to. or more exactly, i'm not doing things, because it's better if i don't. it's like the balance nob on my amplifier, sometimes it mysteriously gets turned too far off the centre, and it might be a few days before i notice, and turn it back to place. that didn't make sense, but it wasn't meant to, i think. although it's hard to say on that one, nothing much is making sense this morning. it's all like a dull, incessant, but vaguely comforting drone in my ears. but maybe that is just the computer's fan, and i've been hearing that for years now. yes, it is one of those noises that you don't realise is there, until it isn't. the power could be cut, and i'd be shocked by the silence that stormed in to replace the silence. i could light a candle, then stare intently at it, waiting for it to hum. and maybe it would hum.

Friday, February 09, 2001

damn.. there's a girl out there i really want.. i've just gotta have her.. and i know i can.. it's just a matter of fitting the place to the time.. damn i want her.. damn she looks good.. and damn is she right..

Thursday, February 08, 2001

another movie dream. this time about a young orphan boy, starting when he's about 4. starts out with him at around the turn of the 20th century or maybe a little after.. 1905 or something.. when his parents die he's sent to live with his grandmother in london, or just slightly out of london.. i think maybe his parents die in south africa.. in london he seems very innocent (or course, so young) and naive.. he wonders about his neighbourhood, and gets beaten up by some older bullies.. a group of men see this happen, they're a bit rough criminal sorts, but they save him and take him in, and let him hang out with them.. he spends lots of time with these older criminal men as he's growing up at his grandmother's house.. he goes to a very poor school not far from his grandmother's house.. but he doesn't pay much attention to it.. he perhaps has friends there, but his real friends are the gangsters.. he always goes to hang at their clubhouse after school, and listen to their talk and play card games with them and smoke cigarettes, but they wont let him drink..

but then his life takes a very different turn.. he befriends a very rich girl.. i'm not sure how he meets her.. but she takes a shining to him.. i'm not sure if he's still spending time with the gangsters.. maybe they've been killed, or he's had to move town.. but eventually his grandmother dies, so he has no family left.. he somehow manages to keep this a secret for a while, and look after himself.. still going to a local school, but mostly off in fantasy land playing in the woods nearby, or having adventures around places he shouldn't be in town at night, slipping in and out of bars and brothels, befriending the whores and drunks..

but back to the rich girl.. he befriends her somehow.. he meets her, i'm not sure how.. but they become very good friends, and spend lots of time together.. she enjoys his adventures in places her parents would never ever let her near.. they go about getting a very worldy education in life by seeing the seedy side of the city about them..

he eventually becomes endeared to the girl's family.. her mother loves him, and her father who is a busy business man finds him scruffy and disapproves, but ultimately doesn't take that strong an interest in who her daughter is friends with, so doesn't trouble him.. now he has a partner in adventure.. he and the girl love to role play around the places they go.. pretending they're much older, and different sorts of people.. they'll have lots of imaginary adventures together..

now this bit gets tricky.. i'm not sure about it.. well.. ok.. firstly, the girl's family, mostly the mother's doing, adopt him.. so he ends up living with them in their large house which is slightly out into the country around london.. he lives with them for maybe a year or two.. but something terrible happens when one day he and the girl are experimenting with sexual things.. they've seen it all in the brothels in town, but they were always too young to be interested.. but out at the country estate, they have lots of time alone together.. so they come upon other games to play.. what happens is the girl's father catches them, and becomes incredibly angry.. he hits the boy several times, and is going to send him away to an orphanage.. but that night, the boy writes a letter for the girl, telling her that they must meet up again when they're older and drunks and whores and gangsters, and he runs away.. i think he makes his way to america now.. on a ship of course.. he must be maybe 13 or 14 now.. he has a way of getting himself into places and situations, where people seem to assume he just belongs there, so dont bother him.. he's always lying to grown ups now, telling them stories about how he's the child of a rich family, and he's being sent to live with them in america, or his uncle is someone very important in the government or something..

but maybe not america.. maybe somewhere else.. i'll work on that.. i'm just filling in the details that aren't so clear from my dream.. not everything is spelt out for me..

but anyway.. whereever he is.. he comes upon a troupe of actors.. a travelling theatre perhaps.. perhaps we are still in britain.. not sure.. maybe i'll have to change the time when it's set.. but anyway.. he becomes part of the troupe of actors.. and travels with them, acting.. there's another boy near his age within the group who he befriends.. this would be his first real friend near his age who is a boy.. they quickly become excellent friends and really get great laughs out of the acting and travelling about towns and cities and going for adventures in them.. by now the boy is very good at looking after himself in difficult situations.. so they get themselves into some real humdingers.. but again things take a twist towards the sexual.. mostly because the boy forms such close bonds with only one person at a time, and going without close friends for long stretches.. but anyway.. him and the other boy, often being cast as girls in the productions, and being around several homosexual actors, begin to fall in love some..

here the dream gets a little hazy, and i think it's coming to the end of what i recall.. but i know that the two boys do become separated.. the main boy ends up in a school somehow.. not sure how he manages that at all, but he's learnt to look after himself quite well over the years.. he ends up in a school, i think actually a private boarding school.. and he learns to read and write and spends lots of time doing theatre.. and because it's a boys school, he has several relationships there.. and eventually when he leaves, he's a fairly well rounded young man, with an eye for adventure and lots of spirit.. he immediately moves back to a city, and joins a group of actors in the theatre.. being involved in some rather large and important productions.. almost by accident he meets back up with the other boy actor, who he's lost all contact with.. but before that, he'd been having relationships, and quite sexual ones, with other young girls in the casts of the productions.. he must be nearly 20 by now.. perhaps even slightly older..

so anyway.. he meets back up with the other boy.. they are immediately great friends again.. and go out drinking and partying together, doing all sorts of wild things.. they do also end up having a bit of a sexual relationship.. but the depth of this i'm not sure about.. i think maybe they're more like brothers now.. both having relationships all over the place..

anyway.. here's where my knowledge of the dream begins to end, but it's a rather lovely end from how i see it.. they're doing a production one night, and who should be in the audience but the girl from back when he was adopted, and her family.. they didn't realise he was going to be in the production, he goes under different names now, for the fun of it. infact they'd all but forgotten about him, except for the girl who always hoped they'd meet up when they were older, just like his letter said..

the production is quite big and has very rich and important people at it.. the boy, now almost a man, plays a lead role, and has become fairly famed for his acting, and also for his partying and wildness..

the girl's father afterward the show tells her no, but she's a headstrong educated young woman now, and she must see him.. she dashes off to try and get backstage, and manages to convince someone to let her through, saying that she's a friend of his.. there's a tearful reunion, and much hugging and kissing, and it's all very emotional.. it turns out that she is shaping herself as a writer..

somehow it all comes together.. and he, the girl, and his friend the other actor all live together in high style.. this all coming together when they're maybe mid twenties to their thirties.. she writes plays, stories, and is working on a book.. eventually they marry.. the other actor boy.. he.. he has other boyfriends.. but they're still all very close..

that's as far as i've got really.. they could perhaps go on to do greater things.. but my dream ended about there.. so maybe that's all i'm supposed to have for now..

Saturday, February 03, 2001

i can smell cat shit on my fingers. what the hell is that about?

shit stinks. now there's a simple fact statement.

information overload. now there's a bundle of too much.

Thursday, January 25, 2001

i had a disturbing dream last night..

disturbing for its sense of loneliness in a crowded world..

i dreamt that i was with some friends, travelling somewhere.. and i somehow lost them one evening.. i went looking about for them, and couldn't find them.. i went back to the cafe/restaurant we were hanging out at earlier, but they had no idea where my friends had gone.. over the course of the next few days i came to realise that i had fallen into some sort of 'groundhog day' trap, but with a twist.. i was living each day as only one day in each month.. whilst the rest of the world was moving on day to day to day, aging normally, i was living only one day of each month..

the dream went on to explore what this meant for me.. it meant i could never have a relationship or friendship with anyone for more than a day, because the next day, they would have aged a month, and moved on or forgotten me.. and i had no ability to keep track of events or the flow of life, because i was missing so much of what was happening.. i'd see the beginning of an event, then the next day, i would have to search out old newspapers to find out what happened..

the dream ended its sleeping portion with me meeting a girl, and spending a lovely day with her, but with the bitter knowledge that it could be only one day, because tomorrow i would jump ahead a month, and she would have spent a month without me..

and it was one of those dreams that even once you're awake, it doesn't go away.. i kept living it in my head, trying to deal with all the issues it brought up, of trying to track down all my lost friends, and find out what they were up to.. only to realise that they'd be in their old age by now, whilst i had aged less than a year..

Thursday, January 11, 2001

i love it..

i dream movies.. whole movies.. start, middle, end.. and really good ones too..

last night i dreamt one which was a cross between labrynth and temple of doom.. a really fun one, full of majic and traps.. i think it'll be called "professor oonktimpantambizoom's circus of fear and delight!".. i'm working on the name.. i can't tell you how the story goes, incase someone steals it.. this one is definately ripe for theft.. it's too good..

Saturday, December 23, 2000

it's crazy dealing with depression.. what gets me, is i can't tell anyone.. i mean, if you mention it to someone, they feel like they have to counsel you or something.. make you feel better.. but it's really just a part of life for me.. i have moods, and pretty damn often i go downhill bad.. but i deal with it, i'm used to it, it's just life as it is..

sometimes i can tell someone i'm having a stink day.. but that's as much as feel i can say.. after all, i don't want it to be talked about behind my back, like "oh matts pretty depressed.. probably bipolar or something" .. because i'm not, i don't think..

and then there's antidepressants.. i mean, i could do those.. i have before.. but it just felt unnatural.. i'd far prefer to be in my natural state, whatever that is.. if it's fucking miserable, then so be it..

ramble ramble ramble..

Wednesday, December 13, 2000

god i'm a twit.

duncan told me yesterday that it's drinking games thursday today, and to be there at 8, and also to tell barnie.

i forgot to tell barnie.

barnie told me yesterday that richard is having a dinner at gina's, and to tell duncan.

i forgot to tell duncan.

want to organise something? want it it to run smooth, with everyone turning up, on time? well i'm not your man.
you know i've got no sympathy for people who haven't figured out the internet yet. people have had long enough.

it's harsh, but i've started taking a zero toleranace policy. if someone i'm doing work for can't click a link, or type an address in the address bar, then it's end of conversation time, call me back when you've managed to do it material.

ignorance is something i simply will not suffer.

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

oh and she's been in jail too.. drunk driving underage or something..

crazy girl..
damn.. talking to this chick from somewhere in america.. she sounds fucked up.. i feel real sorry for her.. she can't spell hardly at all.. she's had something like 3 abortions or miscarriages, she's dropped out of school, her brother died 4 years ago, and she's only 19..

she sounds pretty bummed.. but there's only so much counselling i can do through icq.. and what good can i do, being a prime fuckup myself..
righto.. this is going to be my place to blather.. it's going to be completely unedited dribbling from me, about anything and everything that's on my mind when my fingers are at the keyboard.. it's probably going to be dull, but i can't help that, i've got a dull mind (although some people tell me otherwise)..